In life, when bad things happen..& I mean really bad things happen, we can find ourselves questioning and being angry with God. 10 years ago today, I felt that emotion for the first time ever. I promised myself that I would never forgive him for the pain that I endured.
In May of 2013, I found out that I was pregnant with my 2nd child. After overcoming being terribly nervous and confused, I embraced this journey and actually begun to get excited about being able to give my daughter a sibling to share life with. Just as I did with my first pregnancy, I shared the news to everyone and started to enjoy each moment of the growth journey that comes with pregnancies. I attended my doctors appointments regularly, while shifting around different names for Baby #2 in my head.
I continued to work and adjust for what I thought my life would consist of with being a parent of 2. ITS A GIRL!!! All I could think of was the tag team attitudes I would receive from both my new bundle of joy and the head daughter in charge. I named her Khloe. I have this thing with short names that are easy for kids to pronounce and spell. To me, Khloe was such a sweet name for my new baby girl. So the countdown began...
As I attended one of my regular doctors appointments, I was told that the ultrasound reflected that Khloe appeared to have an Omphalocele. I had no idea what that was or what it meant. At the time, my doctor explained to me that an Omphalocele is when the organs are outside of the babies stomach and have not began to move back inside. I had no idea what this meant for Khloe, but from this particular appointment my doctor transferred all my future appointments to Christ hospital.
My next appointment was about a month out. During that time, I researched everything possible about Khloe's condition. I remember staying extremely positive. I trusted God. When the time came for me to attend my first appointment at Christ, I eagerly waited to meet my new OBGYN. I was called in the exam room to wait for the doctor to review my charts and Khloe's previous ultrasounds. When the doctor walked into the room, without proper introduction, he started his speech immediately with.. "SHE WILL NOT SURVIVE. I SUGGEST YOU TERMINATE NOW". My heart literally shattered. I immediately asked, "What do you mean? She is growing at her correct weight and she has so much life inside of me". He, without emotion, repeated himself.. "SHE WILL NOT SURVIVE"... Normal routine checkup was given and he left the room. Never telling me when to come back for a follow up appointment.
I gathered my things and headed to the front desk to schedule my next appointment. The receptionist asked for a minute to consulate with the doctor and then came back with an appointment scheduled for next month. Leaving that hospital my mind raced in a million different directions. How could this baby that has so much life inside of me not be able to share life with me? Through each day, I chose to speak life over Khloe. Attending all scheduled appointments until finally being frustrated with how I was being treated at Christ, I transferred my care to The University of Chicago for a 2nd opinion.
The service I received at the University was amazing. The doctor took the time to talk to me more about Khloe's condition and how things like this just happen to occur. Although the service was amazing, unfortunately the prognosis was the same. Khloe would not survive long after giving birth to her. As we came closer to my delivery date, I did as I always did, which was speak life over her, talk to her and stay in prayer. On January 21st, I had my last doctors appointment with many surgeons at the University. As we sat in the conference room, each of Khloe's ultrasounds were showing on each screen. The doctors spoke to me on what to expect on the next day, which would be her delivery date. I questioned and cried to them on why they couldn't take the time to save my baby. They informed me that they did not feel she would be strong enough to survive the surgery and may pass away on the table. They suggested that I spent the time with her immediately after delivery.
January 22, 2014, I arrived to the hospital with family and prepared for what the doctors informed me would occur. My mind raced in a million different places. As the time came, I began the delivery process and Khloe entered the world quietly. As they wrapped her up and gave her to me, her eyes were closed. I was never able to see her eyes. She took really strong breathes.. All I could think is, She Waited For Me. Although the doctors said I wouldn't experience that moment, my baby waited for me.
Khloe shared life with me for 2 minutes before God called her back to him. My heart had never experienced a pain like this. Leaving the hospital without my baby after carrying her for 9 months. Having her moving and growing inside of me, yet I had to leave my baby behind. I could not stomach this. There was no explanation anyone could give to me on why God would cause this type of heartache for me. Why my daughter who had no opportunity to do wrong, be taken from my so suddenly? We gave her a beautiful service on January 28, 2014. That was the last time I would ever see my Angel.
To say that I struggled with life is an understatement! I knew I still had a reason to live because, I still had Eva, but the daily pain I experienced was unbearable. My body still had all the functions of a new mother. Life was hard. I knew that as much as I loved and trusted God, there was absolutely no way that he could feel the same way about me. Over the years.. each second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year.. I have worked on healing.
As a woman of Faith, I had to trust that although I do no agree or understand, God makes no mistakes. Over the past 10 years, I have made the decision to connect with other mother's that have experienced similar tragedies. I call them "Angel Mommies". I've made it my priority to host events to honor those mothers and the Angel Babies that we all loss. We encourage each other and share stories and advice. Over the past 10 years, it has been hard. Even with writing this blog, I thought that it would be an easy journey, but I had to stop to cry a few times. Even with this, I have come so far from January 22, 2014. Restoring my relationship with God was also a VERY hard journey, but I know that there is no way to go through life without him. I journaled a lot to help me release and went through life as best as possible day by day.
So on the 10th Anniversary of my Angel Khloe's Birthday, I want to take the time to thank her for making me stronger, making me a voice and resource to other Angel Mommies & most importantly, learning to keep my Trust & Faith in God regardless to how hard the situation I am facing may be.
Happy 10th Birthday Khloe Danielle. We Love You & Think of you DAILY.
